BURN IT ALL!

It’s not necessarily that I have always enjoyed the sight of fat people sweating, or even that I have come to enjoy this phenomenon, so much as I have always been cold. For this reason, I have found the world more delightful in these later years of my life, as I am sure many others have.

We live in America, the country you can count on to lead the world. We can count on America to make things how we want them: bigger, faster, hotter. I am proud to be a part of this effort, to make winters more comfortable, to make heating bills less costly, to turn up the heat, and get places doing it. America leads the world in the consumption of these magnificent hydrocarbons with other major players such as China and India playing in suit. We hold today a reputation for leading the world even stronger than it was after the Second World War.

Not only are we as Americans doing the right thing, our environment is repaying us. Public water bodies such as pools, rivers, and oceans will someday be warm enough to comfortably swim in. Too many fit guys like myself are being forced to wear shirts while they swim to avoid freezing to death. Only we can answer this call.

On top of this, the world around us will swell with life. No longer will plants wither in December, and no longer will we have to spend money to produce structures to protect them from poor weather, we are taking a stand. The air will be thick with oxygen, like a cozy blanket.

Children will be able to spend more time outside, someday even year round. The sports we love to play would never have to stop, and with any luck, any and all Americans will be able to work on their base tans for free.

Historians say that history repeats itself, and that we must know of these pasts if we are ever to escape them. I draw upon a key issue of genocide to conclude my case. Many years ago, our planet was wrought by an entire age of ice, destroying an abhorrent number of dinosaurs, and leading to their extinction.

This was no freak accident, as historians will tell you that there was not one, not two, not three, but four separate occasions in which this world was covered entirely by a storm of ice. Do not go calm into this dark night, stand for our economy, our comfort, and our lives: Warm this globe.